Well...that isn't my reality.
Now this isn't me venting about being single because frankly...I haven't found the right guy. So that's that. The problem is...It is me versus this crazy world with so many possibilities and hardly any restrictions. Being a planner, I have a hard time accepting my plan isn't to have a plan. But to answer the questions as they come. Where do I want to take my NCLEX? Where do I want to live? What am I willing to do? Am I willing to start over in a new place? Do I want a basic job or to apply to RN Residency Programs? Should I strive for the field I want to do in the long run or start where every nurse should start...Med/Surg?So many questions!!
I was talking to Bryan and Ashley one night...well, more like freaking out to them. Asking Bryan how he made decision after graduation. Then he said something to me..."What do you want?" Psh!! I don't know what I want!! I wanted to be a nurse. Well shoot, I have almost completed that task. Now what? What do I want to do? I want to pass the NCLEX and I already have a plan to do so. Next, I really want to get accepted into a RN Residency Program. I love the idea of the program and then extra support through the transition of school to reality. I like the different experiences and opportunities I would get through the program. But I don't like the fact there are pretty much no RN Residency Programs in Utah or Northern California. I don't like that I would have to start over in a new place all by myself. I don't do well with change, especially alone. So, is this really the right move for me? I could always stay in Utah, I have good friends and a place to live. Or I could go home to California. I would definitely have the support of my family through some of the toughest times. Being a first year nurse isn't easy and can be emotionally exhausting. But the social life (outside of my family)...not so great. There are so many different paths I can take. I feel I could take any of them and be happy. But I always have this question...Is it going to lead me to what I want in the end?
I want to be married. I want to have a husband and kids. I know I am young and life is just beginning. Be selfish. Discover life as much as I can. But you have to understand something about me. Being just a nurse wasn't my life long dream. It isn't going to complete me. I don't feel that satisfaction most woman do when they have their career because this isn't my real career. I want to be a mother. I want to be a wife. Being a nurse was going to be my part-time job. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of this accomplishment. I still want to work as a nurse. I love being a nurse. I want to work as a full-time nurse for at least a good two years before I start a family. I didn't work hard in nursing school just for the degree. But I do what to work as nurse in a place where I can eventually have the life I always dreamed of.
So...which way is the right way?
I still don't know. I have never been a decisive person. Put me with another undecisive person and it can take longer to figure out where we are going to eat compared to the actualy time it takes to eat. So my plan is this...I don't have a plan...I have several. I have many different options and I will prepare myself for all of them. Yes, it will be exhausting. Yes, I will probably freak out at nights and not sleep. But with each day, the right decision will hopefully become more clear to me. So this is it!! You can probably see why I am scared and feel a little lost to think I am graduating soon. I am scared of all the possibilities and new opportunities. I feel lost in deciding what I want to do. But I have a wonderful support system from my family. I will have my Heavenly Father to talk to and the Holy Ghost to guide me. I know this all comes down to faith in my own plan Heavenly Father has for me. But dang...Sometimes I wish I could get a sneak peak but where is the fun in that?
It was great to be surrounded by my family and friends.
I watched as the teams came in one by one. The first group asked one person...felt like a complete idiot after the random person (which I was one isle down from) stared at them all confused...and then decided that was not the way to go. So next I hear them going up and down the isles shouting "I love fishes cause they are so delicious" haha...so funny. After 20 minutes I decided to go and get a BIG box of goldfish and stick in my basket. They still didn't catch on. As the majority of the teams had arrive, the first two teams decided to just leave. I ran after them and asked if they were giving up. They then thought it was me and started yelling the phase as they walked towards me. I, of course, laughed! Then I narrowed the search parameters and gave them some clues. I informed the other teams and we got them on their way. I heard one of the team members say, "I would of never of asked her!" 
